Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
