I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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