oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
