Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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