What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
