No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
