Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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