Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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