please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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