He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
