My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
