M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
