Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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