my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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