Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
