i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
