All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
