I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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