You smell like stripper and shame
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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