I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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