you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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