I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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