3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
