I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
