i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
