One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
