My balls are so social today.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
