I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
