I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
