i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
