I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
