I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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