so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
