he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
