I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
