Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
