At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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