I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
