Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
