Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
