but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
