We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
