Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
