The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
