She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
