Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
