i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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