never play flip cup with pint glasses
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
