how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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