he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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