I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
