No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
