i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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