I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
