saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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